There are so many ways in which we hold ourselves back. Some are conscious. Many are not. If you find yourself stuck and unable to reach the goals you’ve set or find the level of success or happiness that you desire, then chances are you’ve got some unconscious aspects working to keep you stuck in old patterns, living within the relative security of your comfort zone.
When survival trumps growth
We all have different parts that come forward at different times for different reasons. Usually these parts are created in early life when there was a potential threat to our physical and emotional survival. It may have been something really traumatic or something relatively small, such as one time that your mother did not come to feed you when you were hungry. Ingrained beliefs that we pick up from family can also get embedded in some of these parts.
Carl Jung's work on individuation and the psyche has been powerfully insightful about the what, when and why of these personas and their range of expressions. While parts such as the inner critic are well know, there are a whole host of inner characters that make up our personalities and work together to keep us physically and emotionally safe in the only ways they know how.
When we outgrow our parts
The challenge is we often outgrow their strategies as we mature and experience more of life. Sometimes, it is relatively easy to evolve our beliefs and behaviours as we grow. But when we find ourself reaching for new goals, dreams and desires, we may run up against new limits and find that we fall back into old patterns. These patterns keep us from the new levels of growth, of health and vitality, of impact and success as the old, protective parts win out over those that are prompting us forward.
This is how we hold ourselves back. We keep reaching beyond and yet find that we keep falling back into old ways, the ways that worked in the past, without recognising the who, what and why of these behaviours or that it is time for an inner realignment of parts or perhaps even a whole new paradigm. (This applies to groups, organisations, and systems as well by the way.)
How to move forward
As a coach and long time personal development nerd, I have a few different tools and techniques that I use to bring awareness and voice to these personas as and when useful for clients. Voice dialogue is one of my most powerful tools, though there are plenty of others with different names/brands.
Even without a coach, you can do a lot to see what is going on in yourself.
Observe yourself.
Document your patterns of behaviour, the triggers of those behaviours, the voices in your head and their words.
Do this over several days and look for patterns.
Identify particular beliefs embedded in your self-talk that are limiting. Are they true? What else might be true?
Note the emotions that repeatedly come up. What are they pointing you to?
Pay attention to behaviours that feel inauthentic or create inner dissonance (that's a big clue that something is awry).
Listen within for what you really want, for what brings you alive (there's always clues if you know what to look for).
Start moving in that direction even if baby steps are all you can take while continuing to be aware of those inner voices and feelings. Talk to them, engage them, tell them what you are doing and why. Ask for their help in moving forward. And do what you and they need in order for you to feel safe moving forward.
With practice and self compassion, you will find that you can move beyond these limits. Meditation and mindfulness practices help because they cultivate awareness, equanimity and compassion. The Positive Intelligence program is also very powerful in supporting people to move beyond these inner saboteurs and cultivate their inner wisdom.
And last but not least, find yourself a good coach if you want to move forward faster. A coach with training in tools such as Voice Dialogue, Transformational Coaching and Positive Intelligence methods can make a powerful difference and enable you to accelerate your progress.